My son is starting his second year of law school and our discussions have given me an opportunity to reflect back on my days at school and my life choice to become a lawyer. The first lesson they taught us at TC Williams was that when arguing fine points of the law, the first thing a lawyer loses is his common sense. That lesson came to mind as I'm sitting in a courtroom in SW Virginia, Confederate soldier statue staring at me through an open window because the A/C isn't working, waiting on my case. A lawyer in seersucker is arguing for about 20 minutes that a bank is not entitled to collect on a debt. He convinces the judge and wins the argument. The next case called - same lawyer, same facts, except this time the lawyer is representing the bank. The judge proclaims "you just spent a half hour arguing that the bank shouldn't be entitled to collect and I agreed." The lawyer without taking a breath says, "Now let me tell you why you were wrong." It was a cigar worthy moment and quite an act to follow. But, the judge is now throwing out a man who just entered the courtroom wearing shorts. Now this brings up the second lesson they teach you in law school, which is, if you're going to enter evidence in your case, bring your witness with you. I think I missed that day because I was in the basement shooting pool. My case is called and the judge asks me to proceed. I tell him my witness isn't available and the temperature under my suit is rising every second. I ask if he can testify by telephone ( a new Covid necessity). The judge acquiesces and asks for his phone number. I then tell him I need to take my phone out into the hall where he dismissed my witness who was wearing shorts. The judge gives me the same look my dog gives me when I tell him he's not allowed on the couch. No phone. No testimony. No sweat. Fast forward to my next hearing. Criminal case. Another courthouse a little deeper into the corner of the Commonwealth. I'm close enought to smell Kentucky bourbon distilling just down the road. Aside from the aroma, I'm feeling pretty good because both my witnesses are women - no pants required. My first witness is my client's girlfriend, who is going to give him an alibi. The second witness is another woman who has specific knowledge my client didn't do the act he has been charged with. The first witness is waiting for me out front of the courthouse next to a Civil War canon. This is where my schooling failed me. The second woman walks up and comes face to face with the first. Its important to note that my client supplied the names of these witnesses but what he didn't reveal is the second woman is also his baby mama. The two women start....talking...and then next thing I know, they are rolling around on the sidewalk, tugging at their clothes and pulling clumps of hair. Now for a split second , I had thoughts of jumping into the fray like John Candy mud wrestling in "Stripes." Before I can roll up my sleeves, police officers emerge from the courthouse and arrest both of my witnesses. Ten minutes later I'm in front of the judge requesting a continuance. New court date in hand, I'm leaving town, cigar in hand, listening to Fleetwood Mac's "Never going back again."
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